I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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