HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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