A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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