Me too!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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