i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
