It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
