There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
