My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
