It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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