Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
