I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
