Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
