My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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