I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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