he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
