i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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