I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
