Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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