can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
