I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
