What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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