can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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