I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
So apparently I’m into choking now
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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