your parents love me but you hate me
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Dignity is for republicans.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Randomize
