i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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