I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
