Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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