I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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