cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
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And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
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Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.