It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"