You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.