mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
After last night, I could never be a politician.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.