I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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