having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
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Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
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No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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