woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
