This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
