i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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