I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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