My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
