There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
