So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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