I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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