I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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