Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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