I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
