There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize