Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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