I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Randomize
