the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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