So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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