Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
operation harelip BJ is a go
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
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you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
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I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize