So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
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I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
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He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
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