you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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