Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
