so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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