I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
