I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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