I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
