Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
